Black Comic Introduces McCain

This article was published in the September 15, 2008, edition of The New York Observer.

What up, RNC!
(cheers)

You white motherfuckers!
(laughter)

This conference so white, Helen Mirren tried to snort it!
(laughter)

Y’all the whitest white people in the history of white people. Even Barbara Bush sitting here right now going: ‘These are some white motherfuckers.’
(laughter)

You’re so white, your vice presidential nominee got the word ‘pale’ in her name!
(laughter, applause)

Look at this place. I can’t believe this shit! Y’all couldn’t find one single brother?
(shouting)

There is? Where?
(shouting)

Yo, what up, brother! Looks like you the only chocolate chip in the cookie.
(laughter)

You look like a fly in a glass of milk, yo. Swim! Swim for your life!
(laughter)

Alaska in the house!
(Cheers)

Where the baby daddy at? Where he at?
(crowd noise)

You knocked her up, man? That’s cool. That’s cool.
(silence)

You know that word ‘abstinence’—you know that mean ‘no fucking,’ right?
(laughter)

I guess they didn’t make that clear at the seminar.
(laughter)

‘So I just use this abstinence, that mean we can fuck all we want, right?’ No!
(laughter)

But you know I feel you, man. I do. Because the fact is, you live in motherfucking Alaska! What else is there to do but fuck?
(laughter)

Just fuck! That’s all there is to do! Just fuck!
(laughter)

That’s all Alaska is. Just a bunch of crazy white people fucking!
(sustained laughter and applause)

And you know he got to marry that girl, too. Because … her momma done shot a moose.
(laughter)

She shot a motherfucking moose! Put its head up on the wall and everything. That’s cold, man. That’s like Al Qaeda shit. Post that shit on the Internet as a warning to other moose.
(laughter)

’Cause when a girl’s momma shoot a moose, that’s, like, a red flag for me. I take that shit into consideration. I do! It’s like, ‘Yeah, you fine. No doubt. You real fine. And you got a great personality. And you drunk. But … ain’t your momma the one done shot a moose? I’ll be seeing you later on.’ I practice abstinence with moose-shooting-momma-having bitches.
(laughter)

But it’s time to bring out the white man you’ve all been waiting for. This man is so white, he makes y’all look Mexican.
(laughter)

He spent five long years locked up in a POW camp, and returned a national hero.
(applause)

And fucked every white woman in America.
(sustained applause)

’Cause five years—that makes you horny. And women, they looove to fuck war heroes. Basically, if you were white and female in 1973, you were fucked by John McCain.
(“USA! USA! USA!”)

And then he married a fine rich white girl whose daddy owned a beer company.
(laughter, applause)

And he wants to be president? Sheeet, you already got money, beer and pussy! What the fuck you want with the presidency? Quit while you’re ahead! You’re 72 years old—just drink, fuck, and play golf, you dumb white motherfucker!
(raucous laughter, applause)

Ladies and gentlemen, the next President of the United States of America, John McCain!